Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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