Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
