If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
