Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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