I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
