No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I lost the right to judge tonight
you never un-have a 4some
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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