i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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