vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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