I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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