I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
