Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
