my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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