I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
