Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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