You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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