And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
