Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
