Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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