omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
sex in a hospital.. check
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
