Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
