Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
