She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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