I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
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