His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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