I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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