I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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