This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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