I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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