im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
