it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
