Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I will be naked everywhere
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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