Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
