i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
