I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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