You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
