She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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