i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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