you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
false alarm, still single
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