its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
