Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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