Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
