I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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