just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
