The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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