I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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