508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
