Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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