this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
