Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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