Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
