My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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