it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i barfeds in our rink
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Randomize
